Firstly, Mrs Middleton, to prove you’re not a robot, please type the words you see below and hit ‘enter’.
Good. You’re not a robot.
No, I'm not a robot. I'm (allegedly) a human with a smashed up enter key. Why did you make me hit it? And why am I so literal?
So, what the hell is this new one about then?
It's about students and legal highs. Those they buy, initially, then make and sell for huge profits. The saying, 'If you sup with the devil, take a long spoon,' means that if you play in murky waters you'll become tainted. Ed (the main character) thinks it's just a way to easy money and no harm done. Once harm begins to be done, he talks himself out of believing he's at fault. It's also about redemption. It's intended to be largely funny but with an underlying message. It has a short title because it's not 'a gripping psychological thriller with a killer twist you will not see coming'. I mean, real life's not like that, is it? I like to write about people you might actually meet.
Sorry about the tone of that question. I must have got out of bed on the wrong side. So… you’re widely known for writing 2.4 novels per week. Are you showing any signs of stopping?
I only seem to write 2.4 a week to people who only write 2.4 per decade. When I'm writing a new story I go at it like a bull at a gate till the first draft is finished. That's my manic phase! Then I leave it, sometimes for months, and go back and re-work it where I think it needs it. My editor will then tell me what areas need further work (thanks, David!) and he often sees things in my writing I didn't know were there. So I don't really write huge lots per year but I have a backlog of unfinished/unedited work which would keep me going for a few years if I never wrote another word. But you can't, can you, once the bug has bitten?
Might I enquire as to what the rest of 2017 holds in store for your fans?
In the autumn I'll be publishing a novella (35k words) which is a Sci-fi/horror combo with satirical overtones, so I'm told. Its title is Beneath the Ink and it's broadly speaking about tattoos and what goes wrong with them. It's NOT Tattoo Fixers, by the way. It's scarier than that...
And now for some random ones. What’s your favourite punctuation mark and why?
The apostrophe. The poor thing suffers from so much abuse. It's shoe-horned into plurals or popped the wrong side of an s when indicating possession. Gives me the creeps what they do to the poor thing. That could be the subject of a horror story all by itself. Did you hear of the man in Bristol who has spent thirteen years adding and obscuring apostrophes on public signs and notices with the aid of his little folding ladders and his sticky-backed plastic. He uses an instrument he calls an ‘apostrophiser’. He's a national treasure! I got told off by my husband for 'defacing' a notice in a museum when I added an apostrophe. I stand by my actions. We need standards!
How many long spoons do you personally own?
One. I bought it for the cover photograph.
How many long spoons do you currently have in your house but they’re not officially yours? e.g. you may have borrowed one from a neighbour and ‘forgotten’ to give it back.
None. I'm not big on long spoons. I like to be closer to my food than they allow.
What’s your favourite punctuation mark? (Just checking the accuracy of your answers.)
It's the interrobang?! It used to be the apostrophe but that bloke in Bristol's got it in hand. I need worry no more.
Choose the one story you’ve written and published so far that you’d MOST like to see on the big screen. And who would play the main characters?
Now there you've got me. I very rarely see films. I think Shaun the Sheep was the last and I had to sit in an auditorium full of sticky tots and their raddled carers to watch that one. If I picked one of mine, I'd have no idea who to choose for actors. It might have to be left in the hands of Nick Park and his plasticine mountain. So probably Top Banana - the one with the massive spider.
Do you get recognised in the street and asked for autographs?
Only in the village where I live. And the last autograph I was asked for was on a cheque to pay my subs for one of the groups I belong to.
Please may I have your autograph, Duchess of Cambridge?
Ahem. I'm a tad older than she is. And her mother! We just share a name. In fact, we don't even do that these days as she'd now a Windsor.
What? You’re KATH Middleton? Shit.
Err, yes, Sorry about that. I hate it when I disappoint young men! Didn't used to happen. I used to be young, once... And he doesn't even give you tea and biscuits. Call this an interview (Interrobang?!)
And that's it. Go buy the book now (click here). It has an introductory price of 99p, for god's sake. What more do you want? And visit Kath's website here: www.kathmiddletonbooks.com